I hate you !

Poorvi and Mukul are sitting at their respective tables.

POORVI – I hate you.

Mukul does not know if Poorvi is talking to him.

POORVI – I hate you.

MUKUL – Me?

POORVI – I just want you to know that I hate you.

MUKUL – Wh-? Do I? Do I know you?

POORVI – No. Do you?

MUKUL – No. Why do you…?

POORVI – Why do I hate you. Mind if I?

Poorvi moves to Mukul’s table.

POORVI – There are two reasons. Well, two options. Two- Two options.

MUKUL- Options?

POORVI – No. I mean reasons. One is that you wouldn’t come over to my table and talk to me, try to pick me up or something and the other is that you’d come over and try to pick me up.

Poorvi moves back to her table.

MUKUL – So…?

POORVI – So.

MUKUL – So you hate me no matter what?

POORVI – Exactly. So, I hate you. You should know that.

MUKUL – So if I left without hitting on you, you’d resent me.

POORVI – Mm hm.

MUKUL – And if I did hit on you, you’d be offended.

POORVI -Well, I mean, you’d probably say something like, “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.” You know. Or “Haven’t we met somewhere before?”

MUKUL – I don’t think I’ve ever said anything like that.

POORVI – Well, you get the idea. I don’t know what you’re like. What you say…to girls.

MUKUL – Well, I usually introduce myself.

POORVI – Well, you sure haven’t done that.

MUKUL – I’m Mukul.

POORVI – I’m Neha. Oh no, that’s an ugly name. I’m Puja . That’s a good bar name.

MUKUL – Are you lying to me?

POORVI – No. What do you think?

MUKUL- Yes.

POORVI – I’m Poorvi.

MUKUL – Nice to meet you.

POORVI – And see, now you’re hitting on me and that’s repulsive.

MUKUL – I’m not hitting on you.

POORVI – You just said, that’s how you hit on girls. You introduce yourself.

MUKUL- No, that’s just how I talk to girls. To people, really. That’s usually how a conversation starts.

POORVI – No. Conversations start with “Where’s my money?” or “How was Amroha?” Only pick-ups start with introductions.

MUKUL – I take it back, then. I’m not Mukul.

POORVI – Disgusting.

MUKUL – Why?

POORVI – It’s obvious you’re “into me.”

MUKUL – I don’t know you.

POORVI – Well, then, why are you placating me? Trying to please me? I’m not an unruly child. I’m not a rebellious teenager. I’m not a rabid dog. Do you think I’m a rabid dog?

MUKUL – (After a moment.) Yes. This gives Poorvi pause.

POORVI – Would you like to come back to my place?

MUKUL – Disgusting.

POORVI – Disgusting?

MUKUL – Now you’re fawning all over me.

POORVI – I’m not fawning all over you.

MUKUL – You’re fawning all over me. All over the table. All in my drink. You’re all over the floor.

POORVI – I am not.

MUKUL – I hate you.

POORVI – You hate me?

MUKUL – Either you won’t give me a chance. Or you’ll give me a chance and you won’t understand me.

POORVI – What if I slap you?

They are both given pause.

Poorvi throws her drink on Mukul’s face.

MUKUL – I think we should go to my place.

POORVI – Will you get the tab?

MUKUL – Of course.

POORVI – Revolting.

MUKUL – What?

POORVI – And offensive, really.

MUKUL – What if you pay?

POORVI – Beastly. How about we split?

MUKUL – Split?

POORVI – Split.

MUKUL – Split…How about we run out the door without paying?

POORVI – Let me get my purse.

She gets her purse.

MUKUL – Do you still hate me?

POORVI – Course.

MUKUL – Good.

POORVI – Hate me?

MUKUL – Yup.

POORVI – We’re not going back to your place.

MUKUL – Well, I’m not stepping foot in your house.

POORVI – Hotel rooms can be nice. A pause.

MUKUL – Right here.

POORVI – Right now. They begin removing their clothes.

MUKUL – If we stay, we might have to pay the bill.

POORVI – You’re a coward.

Poorvi throws her drink at Mukul again, but the contents have already been thrown.

MUKUL – You’re ineffectual. They go back to their respective tables.

MUKUL – We could both go home and

POORVI – Masturbate.

They collect their things.

MUKUL – I’ll be thinking of you.

POORVI – Despicable.

MUKUL- I won’t be thinking of you.

POORVI – Jerk.

MUKUL – Cunt.

Poorvi tries one more time to throw the contents of her glass, which she has in her hand, into Mukul’s face.

MUKUL – Why do you still have your glass?

POORVI – I liked it. It’ll go nice with my dishware.

MUKUL – I want one. Mukul goes back and takes his glass.

POORVI – And whenever we use our glasses, we’ll think of each other.

A pause. Mukul throws the contents of his glass on Poorvi’s face.

MUKUL – Night.

POORVI – Night.

They exit in opposite directions.

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